How to Stop People-Pleasing (And Still Be Nice)

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April 7, 2022

People-pleasing might not sound all that bad. After all, what’s wrong with being nice to people and trying to help them out or make them happy?

But people-pleasing generally goes beyond simple kindness. The dictionary defines it as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.”

You might go out of your way to do things for the people in your life, based on what you assume they want or need. You give up your time and energy to get them to like you.

This is how people-pleasing can cause trouble. The urge to have the approval of others can be damaging when we allow other people’s wants to have more importance than our own needs.

Watch my video above on how to kick the habit of people-pleasing or read on for key highlights!

stop being people pleaser sign

Why People-Pleasing May Not be Your Fault After All 

From an early age, we learned that to survive, we needed to have the approval of others. It was necessary. You understand that, right? So, from infancy until our late teens, we thrive on that approval. Because if you don’t, you’re pretty well dead.

The problem is that most of us carry that need for approval – that “survival mechanism” – into adulthood. It just takes a different form.

So there’s nothing wrong with looking for approval. In some cases, it’s helpful.

But when that need for approval runs your life as an adult, it can hurt you. 

I’ve compiled a list of a few habits you might have if you’re a people-pleaser.

If any of these habits sound like you, I invite you to keep reading to learn how to train your mind to work FOR you instead of against you. 


Most of us carry a for approval into adulthood. There’s nothing wrong with looking for approval. In some cases, it’s helpful. But when that need for approval runs your life as an adult, it can hurt you. 
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thumbs up stop being people pleaser

3 Signs That You’re A People Pleaser

Still not sure if you’re a people-pleaser or just extremely kind to others? Here’s a look at some telltale signs of people-pleasing.

1. You say “yes” when you should say “no”


You might worry that telling someone “no” or turning down a request for help will make them think you don’t care about them.

Agreeing to do what they want might seem like a safer option, even if you don’t actually have the time or desire to help.

Many people agree to do something when they’d rather not, like helping someone move or lending money that isn’t in their budget to share.

But a pattern of this behavior can cause problems, since it tells other people that their needs come before yours.

It also shows that you might care too much about what people think about you or you compare yourself to others— a huge roadblock when it comes to focusing on your priorities and overall self-image.

Some people may abuse this, ignoring your boundaries because they know you’ll do what they want anyway.

2. You feel inauthentic 


People-pleasers often have a harder time recognizing how they really feel because they are so focused on being who other people want or need them to be.

Continuing to push your own needs to the side makes it harder to acknowledge them. Eventually, you might not even feel sure about what you want or how to be true to yourself.

You also may not be able to voice the feelings you are aware of, even when you want to speak up for yourself

For example, you might avoid telling your partner they made you feel bad, thinking something like, “They didn’t mean it, so if I say something, I’ll only hurt their feelings.”

But this denies the key fact of the situation: They hurt your feelings.

3. You feel resentful & bitter instead of happy and vibrant


One huge impact of people-pleasing is increased stress.

This can easily happen when you take on more than you can handle with the goal of supporting someone else.

You don’t just lose out on time for yourself. You also find yourself with less time for things you really need to do.

To get the bare essentials taken care of, you might end up working longer hours or going without sleep, eventually facing physical consequences of bitterness, worry, and stress.

How to Stop People-Pleasing (And Still Be Nice)

3 Steps To Overcome Being A People Pleaser

If you want to break the pattern of people-pleasing, recognizing how these habits show up in your life is a good first step. But knowing you have a problem isn’t always going to resolve it.

Follow these steps to make sure you remove any limiting beliefs around the need to please others:

1. Awareness


Recognizing your tendency to people-please is really the first and most important step to learning how to stop.

Try this exercise:

Sit down at the end of each day and look back at what you accomplished.

Think to yourself… Were the things you did that day what you wanted or needed to accomplish, or did your “to-do” list end up being filled up by other people’s requests?

The more you begin to identify your own needs and priorities, the easier it will be to begin to focus on what you want to accomplish, instead of being frustrated and overwhelmed by someone else’s agenda.


The more you begin to identify your own needs and priorities, the easier it will be to begin to focus on what you want to accomplish, instead of being frustrated and overwhelmed by someone else’s agenda.
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2. Understanding


Every moment you spend sacrificing your dreams and goals in order to please people is a moment you don’t have to spend on living the life you want! It’s time to stop worrying about what other people think!

When you understand that what other people think about you usually isn’t an accurate picture of who you are, you can really be free.

In fact, their opinion often isn’t even about you. It’s sometimes a reflection of how they feel about themselves.

So, stop worrying about what other people think — get over what I call “the attention addiction” — and start living the life you want!


Stop worrying about what other people think — get over what I call “the attention addiction” — and start living the life you want!
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3. Reconditioning


A favorite quote of mine, and one that I share with students often, says this: “True integrity is being able to decline a dinner invitation without giving a reason,” and it’s real. It’s the marker of true power.

Simply answering, “No, but thank you for the invitation,” is how you know you’ve grown and reconditioned your mind to not live your life based on what other people think.

But this doesn’t just happen – it’s a practice. It’s something you have to do every single day. It’s the marker of true power.

Recognize what you want to do, what you can do, and forget the rest.


True integrity is being able to decline a dinner invitation without giving a reason. It’s the marker of true power. Recognize what you WANT to do, what you CAN do, and forget the rest and DO it.
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The 3-step process above is an incredible system for overcoming any limiting beliefs you may have.
Check out this FREE worksheet to help you identify any limiting beliefs that may be holding you back and sabotaging you from getting the success and results you’re looking for! 

Download Your Free Worksheet HereHow to Stop People-Pleasing (And Still Be Nice)

What Would Life Be Like If You Could Stop Worrying About What Others Think?

Imagine for a moment what life would be like if you didn’t care about other people’s opinions…

Would you be self-centered and egotistical, or would you be set free to fulfill your true purpose without being held back by the fear of rejection?

If you want to move forward in your life, you have to stop worrying about what other people think! While seeking approval in some areas of our lives can be healthy and even necessary, it becomes toxic when it starts to control your life. Learn how to break free of worrying about what other people think. 

I hope you will use the concepts from my video to start trusting in yourself more than you believe what other people think or say about you.

And if you’d like to dive deeper with me into discovering how to take control of your mind, develop self-trust, and become a powerful spiritual warrior, I’ve got something you’re going to love. 

I reveal the most important mindset secrets that have fueled my own journey to incredible wealth and success in my signature web class called,  

Don’t Believe A Thought You Think.

And I want to share this information with you… for FREE. 

I hope you’ll join me, and I guarantee you’ll be glad you did.

Take the first step in trusting yourself by signing up. Start building that muscle and change your life. 

Click here to find the best time and date for you.5-steps-more-confidence-free-webclass-t-harv-eker

How to Stop People-Pleasing (And Still Be Nice)

 

 

 

 

 

The post How to Stop People-Pleasing (And Still Be Nice) appeared first on T. Harv Eker Blog.

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